What is Love and Happiness? - Part 1: Love

It is time to write again. It has been a while since I wrote something meaningful. Something that I truly want to express to the world. Because I do not really write to share my ideas, but I do so to relief myself of these thoughts that poke me from inside ever so often, well almost constantly really.

What is love you may ask, or happiness? These are the two questions I have sought for many years, miserably failing each time I almost come to a conclusion. I have come up with some ideas in the past to try and control myself and work in achieving either one of them.

I have thought, deeply, about what love may actually truly be. I had said that love is based on three fundamental pillars that ignite it, fuel it, and sustain it. These are trust, respect and affection. Trust is important for a life that must be both independent and dependant. Most important than trusting the other person however, is being trustworthy. As a consequence, honesty is of crucial importance. Lies are deceitful, however small they are. So to love, one must always be trustworthy.

Then comes respect. What exactly is respect? In my view, it is also about independence and trust. You respect someone by letting them know that they can take their own decisions and you would agree with whatever they choose. It does not mean being passive, but respecting a choice is of paramount importance in asserting one's support, and not dominance, towards another person. Respect is also about compliments and caring. In this modern age, materialism and our looks have been given importance in our lives. By complimenting another person and reassuring them, especially in front of other people, that their ideas are well-considered and that they look mature and of great physical, mental and emotional status, is reassuring and respectful to that person.

Finally, there is affection. This is the hardest of all three pillars. The hardest to build, the hardest to maintain. There is a lot of affection in the world, but most of it is false. True affection is not about the gain but about the giving. Affection should stem from the wish to give to another person that which is given to you, and not to give expecting something in return. I believe that a lot of people find this very hard to comprehend. The pleasure experienced from giving someone something should not be derived from you expecting back affection, another gift in return -whatever that may be - or the approval and thanks of the person you are giving to. Pleasure should be derived from oneself realising that you made someone else appreciated. When you can comprehend and feel this pleasure in giving, affection will become an immaterial gift to another person.

Affection will thus become like a seed that is sown in the heart of another person. It grows if you take care of it carefully. Not by flooding it, and neither can you let it dry. It must be maintained and cared for, slowly and tediously. Eventually, the seed will grow into a tree and it will become large and strong. However big the tree becomes, though, never forget to care for it.

In the end, the three pillars that make love support each other like the keystone in an archway. Respect bolsters trust, trust creates respect. Affection can only be truly experienced with respect and trust. This is what I believe creates what we call love.

Whether love leads to happiness is another story all together. But who am I to know exactly what love and happiness truly are? For when each and every one of us strives for either of them and fail, we doubt ourselves. We forget what love is made of. We forget how to respect and trust. We forget how to give not expecting back. We must remember. This is why I write. I must remember.

Beautiful Dusk

You wake up, eat your fill and go out in search of what to eat the next evening. 

You catch your daily meal and some extra fish for dinner, then head back home. 

Your body fulfilled, you venture into the world outside.

It is the time for you to absorb the lights of dusk on your flesh. 

To take note of the ripples on the water as you paddle across the lake. 

This is the time that sustains you every day. 

For it is not your body that hungers most, but your soul. 

Live to Give

I could say I was pissed with what happened to me last time. I could say that I saw it coming, that I made myself a victim of my own doubts once again. But, why should I be so worried, when there is so much love in this world? It's all right, I'm happy.

There come days when I wake up and I feel like being the best person in the world. I walk to school and say hello and give a good morning to everyone. I smile at them as they walk by and nod to them smiling back. I see a friend and compliment on how good she looks today then I see someone struggling to open a door and rush to open it for him. I feel pleasure in giving and not receiving.

The happiness I feel on these days flows through me like rain on a cosy sunrise. And all I can do is share it with others, in whatever way I can.

Live to give. That is my new motto :)

Breathe In, Breathe Out

The four walls of the room push towards me. The roof closes down onto me. 

Breathe in, breathe out.

The echo of my yells bounce around this tiny room and soak back into my body. My eardrum trembles. My hands shake. Closed, forgotten. My mind slips into darkness, nightmares conjure right in front of my eyes which are now soaked in sweat dripping down from my forehead.

Breathe faster.

Look left, right, backwards, up, down, nowhere to go. I look into myself and I see sanity far away in the distance. I run towards it but it flees, faster and faster into darkness, away from me. My knees tremble and I collapse down into a corner, my lips still uttering shouts of desperation.

Breathe in faster.

I hear voices through the fear shadowing my mind. They come closer. Slowly, the day breaks somewhere over the horizon and it casts light onto a large open field. And I sit here still, surrounded by four walls, that are now made of glass. 

I run through the grass trying to find myself, carrying along the glass walls with me. I run and run but I cannot find that which has destroyed me. Sanity has long gone now. 

Breathe in deeply.

My name is called from the distance so I run towards it. Yet, roots tangle round my feet and I stumble. I hear my voice again, so I stand up, slowly, and start walking again. My hands shiver, cold drifts around my body.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Sound bursts from afar and bounces of the glass walls around me. Again, my name is called. It knocks on the walls. Repeatedly, it knocks and slowly a crack develops in the glass.

Breathe slower.

My name breaks through one of the walls and bounces inside my prison. It shudders me for a second, then I feel warm again. The other walls vibrate, and I shout out my name in unison. The glass shatters and I collapse.

Breathe in slowly.

On the field of grass I lay. There, somewhere in my mind, I lay down and from the side I see in the distance, that which I had lost. Sanity creeps in slowly over the horizon and it makes way towards me. As it arrives, it floats and blankets me.

I fall asleep.

Breathe in.
Breathe out. 

El'Duran: Chasing Apparitions

"When you stare too long into the darkness, the darkness stares back at you."

Through the dim light of the moon that made way into the undergrowth I could make out a rocky path leading straight up ahead, towards where I reckoned I would find her. The midnight winds bellowed  high up over the canopy as I set foot on what appeared to be a stone covered in moss. I looked down at the stone to make sure I do not slip, and then, in the corner of my eye, albeit briefly, I saw her.

An imposing figure in shining armor, standing proud and resolute. Her splendour filled the darkness with an aura of pure majesty. Then, as quickly as she appeared, she vanished.

"Ros! Wait!", I cried. A bird screeched in the distance.

For so long she has been gone and for so long have I been looking for her, that I now started to doubt myself of ever finding her. I knew deep inside me, that what I saw was just a figment of my memories. A creeping shadow of the past that set foot into reality to haunt me. Yet, I held strongly to these apparitions. I even sought them, chasing them into the night oblivious of the dangers that might come from doing such a foolish act.

To my right, a tree swayed with the wind. Its leaves were brown and rotting. I quickly reacted to this anomaly. One hand went for my hilt and the other gripped my sword out of its cover. Behind the tree was darkness, yet I could feel the presence of what to come. The smell of rotting flesh crept slowly in from behind the wooden trunk. My negligence had brought me way too far this time. Too far into darkness; where the dead walk and the living die.

It was a jaw-less abomination, battered with time and the elements. It dragged its broken leg as it made gurgling sounds with each step it took. I looked straight into its sullen black eyes and, even though it looked straight back into mine, I could see no soul lurking inside. For a second, I hesitated. Visions of my dead siblings came rushing in physical form in front of me. Margaret played with a ball on a green meadow. Beside her, Albert looked at the blue sky and the white clouds. Suddenly, a thunderstorm appeared and Margaret started crying. Albert took her little hands in his own, and together they ran towards the horizon into the darkness of the storm.

The bewildering strength of the rotting corpse walking towards me woke me up from the dream. The walking dead was inches from my face. The putrid meat dangling from its face was nesting with maggots, feasting on it. Its hands lashed for me. I took a step back as fast as I could and I caught the mossy stone right under my wet leather boots. I slipped. My head rushed back in response and hit hard on the soil. The heavy armor pressed into my body. Seconds later, a silhouette in the shape of a human being towered over me.

Happiness & Sadness

Happiness and Sadness walk along the same path by the sea as the sun sets over the horizon.
Happiness asks Sadness about life and Sadness shrugs.

'What is there to say?', says Sadness, 'except for how lonely we are in all of this. How fragile we are - desperate souls trying to find the meaning of it all, but failing over and over again.'

Happiness looks at Sadness with a smile as the last trickles of light escape towards the black sky that creeps in from above.

'Hope', is all Happiness says and Sadness looks at him unconvinced.
Happiness stops walking and turns towards Sadness, as he grabs Sadness' cold hands up and encases them in his own.

'Hope, is a beautiful thing to hold on to', Happiness utters in a determined reassuring voice, 'for Hope will find you even in the darkest of places.'

Sadness lowers his head as he turns it around to see the first flickers of stars popping over the horizon.

'I guess, not even Doubt is strong enough when you have Hope', admits Sadness.
' Yes,' says Happiness, as they both hold hands and start walking again, in the light of the stars dangling from the black sky.

Walking By

I have not written for a while, not because I have nothing to say, but because life has so much to give right now. I'd rather live to the full what comes my way, then reminisce back at what just happened and write down what, in those fleeting moments of awe and self-fulfilment, built me into a new self.

Tired

I am tired of acting as if I do not care of what other say of me. There comes a point in life when all the hills that you have climbed come crumbling down on you as you dare stray too far off the beaten track.  Be a man they said. But what is a man? Man is respect. Man is trust. Man is affection. I am tired of doubting. Doubting of others and being in doubt of myself. The truth is, I am tired of all of this work, of all of this insentient persistence to want, to fight for something more, for something lacking. For how long can we dream before dreams condense and drift away and we wake up?

A critical moment of awareness is all it takes for the vivid dreamer to shake his disillusioned mindset far away into the vastness of the past. I am tired of living in the future in my present form. Moments fleet as they transcend my conscious self and into my mind, which sleeps in daylight.

I am tired of all this. I am tired of thinking, of trying. Have a break Ryan. Yes, I said to myself, have a break.

My Scribbles

Sometimes I go back
To what I've said
And to what I've wrote
I read and ponder

And in them I find about
How I looked at things
I now despise
Or at things that I now love

For there's change in life,
In me and in you
And what has been
May not yet hold

But in two lines
Of what I wrote
Or in two words
Lies a sea of vivid memories

For every moment captured
And every word I uttered
Lie dormant here now,
In all these things I've scribbled.

There's sadness here,
And words of solitude
Of darkness there's written, with
A tattered sense of perception

Yet there is also hope
And compassion and wonder
Of colours and light is written
A character in awe is living

For then I wrote and now I write
To have some self-indulgence
And to myself and memories
I owe, respect and growing gratitude.

El'Duran: A Dream and a Memory

"I am a paladin of Tyr. A follower of the light, of what is good and just. I serve my people and my church; The Hand of Tyr. My brothers and I have taken an ought to defend the poor and fight for what is good in this world. We fight to cleanse the lands from the un-living and preach to abolish all evil. This is what I, El' Duran, live for. By the glory of Tyr and the power that he bestowed upon my brothers, I shall help you in your quest. In their name I shall serve and lead you, so that we will walk in the light as the world around us crumbles into shadow and chaos."

By El' Duran - Letter of acceptance to his excellency Joaquim The Golden Hand of Tyr, for taking on the task of travelling the world with a group of mercenaries, in the aim of assessing the chaotic status of the world, while spreading the light upon blighted lands.


A Dream and a Memory

I saw her face. Silver gleaming eyes and a stern look. She placed one foot forward as her battered sword came crushing down on the inanimate bones that walked relentlessly towards her. I was there, behind her, my back supporting hers. The sullen look I had contrasted with the fierce stupor she held. Her sword swung forth again. With each blow dealt I could see her fade deeper into this hatred that now clearly surrounded her.

"Do not fear death El'Duran! Conquer it!", she yelled at me. I could see a blazing fortitude in her eyes that was now changing into rage and fury. Blood-soaked locks of hair that once glistened bronze in the light of the sun now lay on her shoulders as she turned to face another undead. They came by the hundred, bold and unforgiving. This seemed to be a tragic setting of which I could not recall the memory. Did this actually really happen?

"El'Duran, my beloved!", she warned, "Look out!". A claw slashed at my metal shoulder-guard, and slipped downwards with force. The monstrosity before me moved clumsily but with a force unreckoned. It fell to the ground as its heavy hand carried its own weight to the earth. Roscelyn span around my body and lay bare the rotten guts of this walking corpse with one blow of her trembling hand. She was getting tired, and so was I, and we both knew it.

"The Hand of Tyr has abandoned us El. They are cowards.", she said with resentment.
"Do not lose hope. We must fight for the good of this land. For our people!"
This was what I truly believed and held dear for these past years. This is what I was here for, to purge the not-living and I was doing so with the only person I really trusted. A person I loved.
And yet, my last efforts to instil hope in her proved futile.

"You are a fool El!", she cried in anger. Her swings never seized as she tried to make sense of all of this.
"We were sent here to die. They will never come. The Hand of Tyr has made us her sheep!"
I feared of what was to come, of what was to become of my beloved Roscelyn.

"Fight for good Ros!", I cried. A dozen other corpses swayed in the west, as they marched against the wind towards us.

"Fight for our lives, my beloved!", she replied.
A rotten hand came crushing sideways into my gut. The world turned black and I fell to the ground. Through the darkness I could hear the yells of rage and desperation as Roscelyn witnessed my fall and fought around me with renewed strength. However, I could also hear the footsteps of the dead. Alas, a creeping march, a dragging of feet and bone close by and far way, as far as I could sense. This was surely to be the end of us.

Then, some trickles of light managed to enter my eyes, and I looked to the horizon. Just then, as the undead took over Roscelyn and trampled her down, from between the rotten bones, I saw seven horsemen bathed in light, marching towards us.

This was it. The Hand of Tyr had finally come.

An Unfinished Life

I'm not afraid to die, to watch the candle lights fade away, to see my life being sapped, my fragile bones shaking with ache. I'm not afraid to go to heaven or to hell, or to dim to darkness and never return. But I fear a nightmare, that with my death, I have left none of an effect upon this Earth, that my life was a futile existence. I'm afraid that I will be forgotten, that the daughters of my third generation will have not but a single clue of who I was. That their sons will walk upon lands where my ashes lay, and know none of their brethren's unfinished life. 

I'm not afraid to die, yet I am afraid for other people dying without understanding the beauty of life. They die expecting heaven or hell, or a place in the void never to return, yet they do not realize what they are - a miracle of existence. I'd rather live in awe at the things around me than in turmoil of thoughts in trying to achieve a place in the heavens, for the joy of inner peace - enlightenment - of realizing what is and what is not lingers in eternity, beyond death.

In Another Universe

In another plane of existence, in a universe unknown to mankind there is a God who is one and the same with the universe in which it resides. The intelligent races of the seven realms of this universe know thy God as the One and often call him by names such as; the Shaper, All Knowing or most often as the Great Being. 

The Great Being is in every rock and every wave of every planet in this universe and speaks to civilizations in various ways, yet the people of the realms always know for certain that thy god has spoken with them, for they are bestowed by an inner sense that enables them to understand and be able to communicate with the All Knowing when required. 

The god of this universe is omnipotent and all knowing. It has no boundaries in time and does not live within it. For the All Knowing, the past, the present and the future are a manifestation of self-conciousness within intelligent beings, yet for thy god, time is not existent. Thy god, however, has no power to control what the beings of our land call fate, nor does this god has the power to determine a person's path in life. 

Even though the god of this plane of existence is limited in the power it possesses as described by the people of our lands, it is nonetheless revered as the absolute perfection of this other universe. It is the reason why civilizations in this realm are ordered and peaceful. It is the start and end of every creature's life, whether intelligent or not. All the crawling worms and the flying beasts of every planet in this other universe bathe in the knowledge of their god. They know it exists, and they live and are sustained by this realization. 

The Great Being is eternal and immutable. Thy god has no emotions nor any imperfections associated or characterized by mankind. The Great Being is merely observant in its behaviour, yet always present and influential in the lives of the people of this plane of existence. 

What goes against the order of this universe would be what the people of our lands call sin. Such acts as killing for purposes other than feeding,and stealing create chaos within the universe and are thus not adhered to by the races of the realms because all the intelligent life forms evolved within the universe in the knowledge of their God, which is ordered and not chaotic. As such, no civilization lies or exploits one another. There are no wars and no intelligent being within this universe can feel isolated and alone, because every creature is connected with one another through the knowledge of their god. 

Civilizations have prospered and grew and let other life forms prosper and evolve into other intelligent beings for millennia within this universe. Most civilizations have ventured into space and conquered celestial bodies other than their mother planet. A good number of them have come in contact with one another, and they live peacefully in each others presence for they bathe in the knowledge of the existence of the All Being. Their knowledge of the natural world is far superior than that of the humankind, yet they still learn and search and discover more information through the aeons. They do not teach or require the need of Philosophy or religions within their society, and they never seek to understand what god really is because they evolved within the knowledge of their God and they are part of thy god as the cells of our bodies are part of us. 

Even though they are highly intelligent and technologically advanced, certain physical laws impeded them from overpopulating their universe. Their morale status and intelligence also enabled them to control their growth and to stop themselves from harming their environment. Their societies' order is reflected in their architecture and education systems. Each newborn is bestowed with the knowledge of the Great Being and manifests an urge to learn about his world, and so the infant being is left to ask and discover new things in his world at his own will. As such, no indoctrination of pre-set forms of knowledge are imprinted within the infant's mind and he grows with a constant fascination for learning. 

Most of these mentioned points and others have created within this universe what mankind would call a utopian paradise. It is said in some legends and tales of ancient scriptures of mankind that when a person dies in our universe he is reborn in the light or in paradise. Little does mankind know that the true facts about death within our universe are directly linked to this other realm of existence. For when a self-concious creature dies within our universe, the electrical signals that once fired and made that being self-concious transfer through upper dimensions into this other universe, and they find themselves within the realm of the All Being.

Without physical form, they dwelled in this realm for aeons. The so called 'souls' as described by the people of our lands rested in the plane of existence of the Great Being since they ever came into being, until now.

For somewhere tucked away, hidden in a corner of one of the seven realms of this other universe, a civilization has managed to identify the link between our universe and its own. They have managed to create a device which would capture floating shapeless bits of information, the so called 'souls' of our universe, and transfer them into physical shells.

Little did they know about the consequences of this discovery, and how their ordered universe would soon change and be shrouded by an impending chaos. 

Mountain Magic

There's something fascinating for me at the thought of living up high on a mountain, in a remote village where everyone knows each other and the only contact you have with the outside world is the occasional tourist that dares to venture so far up.

I experienced this feeling a few days ago when I visited Taormina with my family. Taormina is a tourist destination, a bustling village up high on a mountain range in North-Eastern Sicily. We took the easy way up, a cable car, which landed us two corners away from a busy road full of ice-cream shops, souvenir vendors and the like. Up here, the drop in ambient temperature is immediately noted as you get out of the cable car. Amongst all those tourists, however, the village looked nothing different from any other famous place around the world. Yet, there was still something magical floating around the place.

As we walked the busy streets, we passed by three different churches, all of which had marriages going on at the time. There were people dressed up in suits and gowns outside and a lot of tourists taking pictures of the bride and groom as they walked down the isle and then out of the door into the plaza. Marriages in Taormina seemed to be idyllic since as we walked back down the same roads later on in the day there were yet other marriages taking place still. Maybe they all felt that magic in the air.

Further up the road we came to a large open area with a balcony hanging from the hillside. From here I could see the beaches down billow and the red houses dotting the landscape, becoming denser as you moved towards the coast. From up here it seemed as if there lives were different from the lives of the people around this place. It was as if the people living down there were temporally stuck in an unreachable place.
There were so many questions rushing through my head as I looked down at the sea and the waves and surf left by the boats. How did they build up here? or who was the first person to decide to settle here? It was all very fascinating.

This feeling, somewhat magical, I am trying to describe has come to me each time I went up on mountain ranges. I felt it in Italy, in Spain and in Switzerland and now it happened to me again in Sicily. I am not very fond of heights, yet, when my feet are on the ground but I know I'm above the rest of the world I feel ecstatic. Call me a mountain dweller, or a crazy man with Heidi's syndrome, but I know I'll be visiting some other mountain very soon.

We Are All Faking Aren't We?

I look at people, talk to them and I see in their eyes that they are hiding. Hiding from themselves and from me, and from everyone else around them. I consider most people fake, materialistic and incomplete. Fake, for they keep to themselves feelings and thoughts about others that are not meant to be locked. Materialistic, for they value stuff more than people. And incomplete, for their lives are a constant struggle for recognition through means which do not give worth to their real self. 

Why is it so hard to be truthful? To be completely and utterly real in what you say about what you think and how you feel. A lot of us lie to avoid pain and others hide the truth. Both of these have the same negative influence on our self development. We should not run away from pain and sadness. Neither should we feel inclined to assume that feeling lonely or heartbroken is something wrong and that we should do whatever it takes to hide it. Our characters cannot be built from faking so as to just have positive emotions. 

And yet, if you look around you, in your friends' eyes, you could probably see something lurking deeper within them that evaporates as it tries to make its way out into this world. They look at you with a superficial gaze and their eyes never really lock into yours. They are scared to go beyond knowing the physical presence that stands in front of them. It is, for them, easier to fake liking you and to make you assume they agree with whatever you say. For faking positive emotions is always easier than being real and confess negative feelings. Even though, in the long run, confessing the truth would result in a better outcome. They would rather live a lie to be happy now than be truthful and be happier later on. 

So consider this; next time you talk to someone, do not lie, or hide from what you really think. Look into their eyes and listen, but more importantly, when you respond or you are asked to express your opinions, be real. 

Re-Interpreting The Genesis For the Modern Human: An Atheistic Approach at Rewriting an Ancient Scripture to be Relevant in Our Modern Age.

Re-Interpreting The Genesis For the Modern Human: An Atheistic Approach at Rewriting an Ancient Scripture to be Relevant in Our Modern Age.

Genesis 1 In the beginning there was nothing, and from nothing sprang everything. The universe was without form and void, and darkness was predominant. And the energy of the universe hovered across the planes of the universe.

And then the universe changed and expanded and gave the possibility of light to permeate and so there was light. This was to be considered a good turn of events. And so the light separated from the darkness. The light would be essential for life and be considered day and the darkness considered night. And so there was the first age of the universe.

And then the universe vastly expanded. There was an expanse in the midst of the universe, and it expanded from the origin and separated one end of the universe from another. And it was so. This expanse is what would be called the universe. And so there was the second age of the universe.

And the universe changed and the atoms in the universe coalesced and matter appeared. And it was so. In the universe planets formed some with dry land such as the Earth, and others with water and seas. This was another good turn of events.

Then in the universe there was the possibility of life and for planets and the Earth to sprout vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to their kind on the Earth and other planets. And it was so. The Earth brought forth life and vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their kind, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. This was to be a good turn of events. This was the third age of the universe.

And in the expanse of our solar system  there was light that would be used to separate day from night. This light was to be used for signs and seasons, and for days and years, and to be used upon the Earth to see. And it was so. And in the expanse of our solar system were two great lights – the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night – and the stars. In the expanse of the solar system these were set and they gave light to the Earth, to distinguish between the day and the night, light from darkness. This was a good step in the formation of the universe. And so the fourth age of the universe.

And in the universe life had the chance to evolve and for the waters to swarm with swarms of living creatures and the birds to fly above the land and across the skies. So in the universe life evolved and it created the great sea creatures and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged living creature according to its kind. This was to be considered a good thing. And the universe gave life the chance to be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and for birds to multiply on the Earth. This was the fifth age of the universe.

And the universe gave life time to evolve and on Earth to bring forth living creatures according to different kinds – livestock and creeping things and beasts of the land according to their kinds. And it was so. And so the universe made the beasts of the Earth according to their kinds and the livestock according to their kinds, and everything that creeps on the ground according to its kind. This was to be considered a good thing.

Then in the universe came the chance for man to evolve, and within that possibility with the atoms and likeness of the universe. And this being would have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the skies and over the livestock and over all the land and over every creeping thing that creeps on the Earth.

So the universe gave rise to man within all its possibilities,
with chance, in the universe, a human being was created;
male and female were these beings.

And they were lucky to form in this universe, and the universe gave them the chance to be fruitful and multiply and fill the Earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the skies and over every living thing that moves on the Earth. And they were made aware that the universe had given them every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the land, and every tree with seed in its fruit for them to use as food. And to every beast of the land and to every bird of the skies and to everything that creeps on the Earth, everything that is alive, green plants for food was available. And it was so. And so it would be considered that everything the universe gave rise to was very good. This was the sixth age of the universe.

On a Bench I Saw a Man With Flowers

I decided to look out of the window and there I see a van on the side of the road  and no one inside. Nearby on a bench there's an old man holding a bouquet of flowers. The wind blows the little  threads of hair he has left as he struggles to keep the flowers from breaking off.

What is he doing here all alone, looking at the dried fields and the trees as they sway in the wind? Is he mourning his loved one or simply enjoying the midday breeze in the short life that he has been left with?

Either way, his presence captivates me as I look outside of this room I have locked myself in. It doesn't take much for that person sitting there on the bench to be me in a few years time. Time flies by so quickly.

Can it be that it is only by sitting down with a flower in hand, some thoughts in mind, while looking at the scorched summer fields that we may understand peace and the meaning of all these years we've been living?

Melancholy

Life is beautiful, sometimes.
Other times it is very sore.

When you find it hard to wake up one morning, just because you have nothing important in your mind, except that one single thought that eats you from inside you have reached a stage in life that you wouldn't have wanted to end up in.

We do so many things, learn so many stuff and meet so many people. It all ends up to be irrelevant. I was taught how to count numbers and solve problems, yet I find these very useless right now. Why didn't they ever teach me real discipline. I feel as if my character self is breaking down into tiny little pieces of ideas and memories. I am desperately trying to hold on and to make sense of my life, but I continuously fail.

There is just emptiness. Melancholy sets in. For brief moments in my life the basin within me floods and for just one instance in time I feel fulfilled. I created memories from these moments. Memories that knock on the door of my existential self. They try to wake me up again, but melancholy always wins in the end.

I have now learnt to live in it and wait.
I wait for change and for the rainfall to soak me.

Dark Room

He's in a dark room. Lost. He doesn't know what to do. Run? But to where?
The spiders crawl on the walls, their quiet company.
The demons whisper in his head. He stumbles on his knees, he cries.
He's lost and he's alone. In a dark room.

This Is Who I Really Am. Part 1

This is who I really am.

I am Ryan Sultana. Born to Maria Theresa Aguis and Aronne Sultana, 20 years, 7months and 19 days ago on the 27th of September 1992.

I started life as a conglomerate of cells and grew into Homo sapiens, a self-conscious mammalian life-form on planet Earth, in the Sol solar system, somewhere in the Milky Way galaxy.

From the day I was born I have breathed air and taken up oxygen in my blood. My heart has pumped this blood through my body ever since. I was born in a Maltese family, on Malta, an island in the Mediterranean sea. Here, I have learnt to speak, walk, and do the other things a normal Homo sapiens learns to do.

Throughout my childhood I have learnt to ask questions. I learned to count numbers and watched documentaries about the true nature of the wilderness. I have done so from a little house in the small village of St. Lucia. Here, I have slept for the past 20 years, ate, sang, cried, yelled and washed and did most of the stuff in my life.

At a young age I was put in an education system and I have been in it ever since. I have learnt about the history of my species, be it the revolution of society or the evolution of human beings. Five years ago I decided to strive in learning more about the Biology and Chemistry of this world and of the universe. The more days that pass the more I learn.

Yet, in these past 20years as I grew in this world, the Earth itself changed. The human population has increased from 5.4 billion in 1992 to 7.1 billion as of now. When I was just growing up as a kid, technology and its development exploded, and in 20 years I had to become accustomed to using computers, cell phones and all the other things. I was born in the computer generation. This, undoubtedly, had a very large impact on my life.

I spent the first 17 years of my life a shy misunderstood person. I observed those around me and gave little feedback in return. I asked questions, yes, but that was just it. I did not like to integrate with other people as I did not deem it necessary. In those years I built my character on who I really was and not what others thought of me. I searched for the things I loved to do, and for what I should avoid. This has given me character traits and values I adhere to nowadays.

But now, things have changed. I have become more open to discussion, more social. I want to learn what other people think. I want to be part of their lives. I have come to realize that sharing emotions and ideas builds us as a community. It has exposed me to criticism and to my weaknesses. I now am vulnerable to change and to mistakes. I can and will hurt people, and people will hurt me but I am able to learn from that.
Now I am building on the pediment of my character experiences which I gain from other human beings.

The future is bright, the road steep and treacherous, but I think I am ready. Whatever comes my way will only build me further. And with the passing days I will look back at myself and realize who I am.

Right now, this is who I really am.

A Summer Storm

It comes like a storm
In the middle of summer
For a moment, some shade
Then a sudden burst

The water pounds you
Leaves you scrambling
To hide, as you fear cold
For a minute or two

Then it's all gone
As quickly as it came
And what is left
Is a carpet of sand

It covers your hair
And blinds your eyes
It's chocking grip
Your heart entwines

This storm which came
A lullaby it sang
This storm now gone
Distraught my soul it left

Rise Again

Fall and rise again
from the ashes
be reborn in the sun 

Take a leap of faith
Make a new track
However far it may run

Walk the path that trenches
Deep inside you
And find yourself

The meaning of life
Find within you
And rise again from ashes

Somewhere Far Away In the Middle of the Ocean

There's this little stone protruding out of the ocean somewhere far away in the middle of nowhere, and on it is a little red house.

From the sheer banks of this small island rises a wooden ladder that leads to a wooden boat down below. Go up this ladder and you will find yourself standing precariously on a narrow ledge, its sides crumbling down to the ocean bed below. A path then leads you round the little rock to a corkscrew staircase. This spirals up to the little house that stands on the highest point of the rock, a metre or so up high from your head. 

The little house is lit with lanterns dangling out from each corner of the attic. On the roof is a black cat. It sits there at night looking at the stars, meowing at the occasional comet that flies by. The cat belongs to the carer of this lost world in the middle of the ocean. She's a little girl with a pair of wings, and petals around her waste, very much like a skirt. Her name is Lillipid. 

Every morning, when the sun breaks through the misty clouds that rest on the water under the house, beneath the rock, Lillipid opens her eyes gently and jumps off her bed. She stretches her arms and opens the curtains of all six windows round her little house. Then off she goes down the staircase and through the path and onto the ledge at the bottom of the rock. There she looks down towards the wooden boat, to make sure it is still there (for where else would it be, I sometimes wonder). She climbs down the wooden ladder and hops off onto the keel. The boat wobbles on the flat water line. 

Lillipid's wings flutter with excitement. She looks in the water to say hello to her reflection. Then, she sits on the stern of the boat and puts her bare feet in the ocean. With kind strokes of her feet the boat starts to glide on the surface and off she goes, little by little, away from the rock towards the sun. 

At night, when Seth the cat, has gone up on the roof, you can see a little boat moving in the horizon. From a distance it looks like a piece of wood floating in the middle of the ocean. But little by little you start to make out the shapes of Lillipid and her boat as they wobble slowly towards the rock.

Eventually Lillipid manages to reach the ladder, and off she goes up to the ledge, as swift as a moth. She looks down at the boat to check if its still there, then hurries back up to her red house. 

Six curtains close shut as the moonlight breaks through the mist. The lanterns dangle from the corners of the attic and Seth meows at a flying star, somewhere far away across the night sky. 

Heart Beat

My heart, it beats, slowly.
My head rests on the table, and I look down at the floor.
I can hear my heart beating in my chest.
It pushes against the table.
Wonderful isn't it, how nature works?
Just a collection of cells that beat, in a rhythm.
I am struck by its beauty.
I cannot believe something like this can even exist.
Yet, here I am, looking at the ground.
And my heart keeps beating.
It has done so for the past twenty years.
And it will do so for countless years to come.
Then, one day, my heart will stop.
I do not blame it.
It needs to rest, and so would I.
It would have been a beautiful journey.
Life itself, this miracle of nature.
A consequence of evolution.
13.77 billion years of causality.
To a point in time, that is now.
As I look down at the floor.
And my heart beats, slowly.

Come Tomorrow, I Am Here

We all suffer.
I can understand you.
I can, in the very least, associate your pain
with what I have felt in my life before.

But do not worry.
Time will pass, people change,
the world changes and you will change.

Hope is all we have,
fate our only guidance.

Come tomorrow, look at the morning sun
that rises every day,
so that you may see the beauty of our lives.

Come tomorrow, lose your burdens,
for you are free and there's so much left to see,
yet so little time worth wasting in worries.

Look Around

Thirty minutes was a long time to sit quietly and think about my life and the life of all the people going past me. 

There was this old Maltese couple going up hill and another British one going down. Neither of them held hands and the women took the lead in both cases. I could see the fragility of their bones in the way they walked and in their posture. Separated by a nation these old souls still had the same problems in life, and sooner or later, they would be no more.

Then I saw a BMW go by and in it was a young family. A girl not older than 18 years had a blooming smile on her face as she reacted to her parents from the back seat. For those three seconds or less that I saw her, I knew she was happy - at least in that moment - and that gave me a smile of my own. 

There is so much going on around us. We just have to stop and look.

The Story of How Man Came To Be

From the archives, something that I wrote 4-5 years ago in 10 minutes when waiting on a couch at my grandma's, to leave for private tuition. I felt a kind of enlightenment, and this was the fruit of a surge of thoughts. Keep in mind how long this have been written, and thus I excuse myself for any grammatical or syntax errors. Also, my ideas have changed quite a lot from that day, but the essence is in this essay, and my ideas have all originated form this work:

"God. He, she or it, is someone many devote their lives to. God is pictured as a superhuman or a transparent floating ball that has the power to create and destroy on his own will, whenever, wherever and however he likes. However, these are all hypotheses man himself has created. The truth lies beyond imagination and beyond our hopes of finding a god. A god as we know it doesn't exist, but a much simpler, much more perfect 'God' does proliferate and his in his own way created us.

My idea lies on the fact that our basic knowledge is so futile to assume and depict our God. Hereafter I will try to explain how my vision of god is different and that for me 'God' itself is an improper word. 'Existence' should be the term used to describe creation, the universe and all the laws and the physical materials residing in it. Existence is energy, and it is energy that is god or if we say that god created energy then we are saying that god started the start. However, we know that the universe started from a big bang, as scientists denote. This bang is or was energy - a fixed amount. With 'time' it grew into a universe with planets and stars.

My idea is that if the universe was and will, that is had a start and beginning, then it never existed, or else will exist forever. This said we can therefore assume that god is part or whole of the universe. Existence on the other hand is the version of how things come and go. How causality, chance and energy shape each other to form a picture we can ultimately understand.

This picture is the universe itself, which in turn is a fixed energy, which is god - it will never change, never end, it never began. It was there from day one or else from day zero. The changing of this energy in matter and laws is only the picture we see, because ultimately the energy remains the same, in the same place, texture, space and time and thus there should be no change.

The force which makes Existence is Existence itself. This ultimate form of perfection has its own fluctuating habits. At the start, that is, when god or existence started the cycle of life - manufacturing forms in its own existence - we came to be. Life is therefore the routine of this existence. Like a tape rewinded and beginning from the start several times. So therefore why should such a perfect Existence have a routine? Simple. Existence is energy as we said and this untouchable soruce which takes shapes does so due to its own existence. It is like a god controlling a god to control humanity. Similarly, existence is one unity. It is bound to create things to amuse itself and to stabilize itself.

Ultimately, Existence is trying to understand itself. No god can understand why it is a god, because it is bound to be by its own. Existence was never created, it didn't even create itself, and therefore its manifesting the wish to understand or else react - give out signals - that manifest in forms, and planets.

When these forms or we can say the Existence's ideas, are created, they are bound by existence itself to ask questions, confronting their own existence, and as they do so they come to believe in a god, that is Existence itself. Thus, Existence can comfort itself that it, in its perfection, is indeed existing."

There's So Much Beauty In The World

From the amazing movie 'American Beauty'.

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all. It stretches on forever, like an ocean of time. For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout Camp, watching falling stars. And yellow leaves from the maple trees that lined our street. Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper. And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird. And Janie, and Janie. And Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain, and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry. You will someday", Lester Burnham

Trees, Photos and Moments in Life

What do you see in this photograph? Maybe a tree and its orange leaves ablaze in the sun? Isn't it very normal to assume that what we see is what we understand to be the essence of a photograph? I feel, however, that there is something deeper lurking beneath the facet of colours presented here. There is undoubtedly an intrinsic beauty in the form of the bark and the depth of vision with which the above captures our attention. Yet, the beauty hangs not in the picture itself, but in the moment it captures. 

What makes this photo beautiful is to understand that there only exists one tree of that shape in the world. There may be countless other similar trees, but this tree is unique and timeless, for there shall be no other tree that will grow in the same form, bend the same way, branch into such  intricacy.

The photograph is also a snapshot of time. This artefact of nature took years to grow, and there can be no other time in the history of the Earth that it will be seen the same way again. Even the lighting and the position of the sun on that patch of leaves is momentary, captured into essence that can be viewed but never experienced again.There can only be one moment in which this photograph was taken, which was experienced only by the photographer.

 In my opinion, this is what makes beautiful photographs; captured moments that can never be again. A smile of a child or a tear on the face of soldier, a couple sitting in a sunset, or a tree in the morning sun. 

Movies and their Soundtracks

I have always said that a movie is a great movie if it has a great soundtrack. Movies such as those directed by Christopher Nolan, Aranofsky and Malick all have amazing music to tell a story. I cannot not mention my favourite composers; Hans Zimmer and Clint Mansell, but there are so many others out there that create beautiful masterpieces.

Recently I have watched the trailer for Terrence Malick's upcoming movie 'To the Wonder' which has left me awe-struck. The chosen track for the trailer perfectly matches the mood of the film. It transcends beyond words and cinematography to give something deeper to the observer. It is as if music is necessary to satisfy all the possible senses of a person that can be stimulated within a cinema. 

A musical score, without words, without lyrics, can still convey so much to us. The story is told through notes and melodies. An example of this is 'Death is the Road to Awe' from the great movie 'The Fountain'. The track itself, as I interpret it, is a journey in life of a human being. It starts off slow and then grows until it dies off with a brilliant climax. Suddenly, it reignites as if life is given back to the deceased. This is pretty much the story of the movie, in which rebirth is the main theme. 

The beauty in music is that it is a personal experience. We cannot argue with each other whether what we saw, what we understood in a movie is right or wrong. We cannot have dilemmas on whether Cob was still in a dream or not at the end of Inception, for music is something personal, something deeper than the story of the movie itself.

I do believe that a very good movie must have a very good musical track. I would suggest searching your favourite movies and their soundtracks and see whether I am correct. Until then I will be seeking more movies to watch, not for their plot or special effects, but for their beautiful scores that defines them as masterpieces.

Life is about Giving

We have to love each other for that is the only thing we have in life. We must care for each other for that is the only thing that keeps us alive. 

Always pay it forward. Give to others more than that which is given to you. Smile and laugh and make people happy. Talk to that person in the corner of the room who has no friends and you might find he has the most beautiful heart you can ever get to know. Compliment where it is due and always be truthful. If some things bother you do not lie, but be honest and explain what you think has to be changed, this way people respect you. Show affection to your family and friends. Be spontaneous and do not be scared to surprise people with gifts or good gestures that show how much you care about them. For would life be worth living without people to care for? 

Talk more to your elderly and listen to what they have to say, for they may have spent their life silent so that you may have the right to speak. Donate to those in need. Volunteer and help wherever and however you can. Make sure not to neglect those people that consider you a friend but you have been ignoring for a while. Treat everyone as equal. Be humble in your deeds and seek happiness. Trust people, but more importantly, be trustworthy. 

Live to give to others the life which is given to you. Only then can this world become a better place. 

Your Destiny May Keep You Warm

Loneliness

To be lonely is to feel lonely. Being surrounded by individuals, laughing and seemingly having fun does not necessarily mean we can't feel alone. To be alone is to be filled with doubt and fear. A smile, a hug and a sweet word can only alleviate the pain of loneliness but it cannot extinguish it.

Loneliness is an experience we all have to go through. It builds us, make us aware of what life really means. Of what we really want from life, of all that which we consider dear to us. It comes into us like a crashing wave that ebbs and flows with the passing time.

A man surrounded with people is a lonely man.

A thinking man who is silent is lonely.

Only a man that does not think is silent and not lonely.

On the Way to The Other Side

Respect, trust, affection. Why is it so hard to find all three? To express these to someone you care about? A person you have known for very long, yet a person who you still have to learn so much about. The struggles of every day, the pain of all these thoughts eats me from inside.

I stare blankly at the floor as the lights of the tunnel rush by. They look at me and I smile back. I wish they could understand but it seems they don't. I follow them like a sheep typing tirelessly as I strain to veer my mind away from it all.

The light of the night, the sound of the rails and the doubts in my head.

Metro, 25th March 2013

To The Wonder

How could I look at god and not be angry? How could I look at all the suffering and not be angry at god? No perfect god would allow such misery. No perfect god would allow such chaos in the world. And do not tell me that god has left man to be free, so that we may choose between good and bad and live a life of our own. If god is truly loving, why did he create a universe in which pain is present? That is to say that god is passive. 

To look at life as a struggle for survival is a more of a sound option. Only man is an entity who can truly love, who can truly care. It is only us who can help our own kind. Be truthful to your own life. Prayer cannot help anyone, only action can. Never be passive in the face of evil or misery. Being passive is as if you do not exist and life is more then just observing, it is about being part of that which happens to you and your fellow beings. Life is about learning about our origins, about learning how lucky we are to have evolved into a self-concious being. It is about being pleased in the happiness of others. It is about respect, trust and affection and about love. 

We do not need a god to live a happy life and have a purpose. The reason to live is life itself. 

Be happy.

Help each other. 

Care for others. 

Experience a journey to the wonder! 

A Moment For Myself

All I needed was a moment for myself.

So I left for a walk, hands tucked in my pockets, earphones in my ears, not giving a care in the world. People passed by and all I did was slightly look at them not really noticing who they were. I sat on a bench looking at the trees and the birds, listening to music. Then I walked a little more to feel the breeze in the air as I increased my pace to the rhythm of the song.

The clouded skies, the setting sun and I, all by myself, for a little while.

Nightmares

I wake up at the middle of the night, dehydrated, knowing that my brain is not functioning properly and I am dreaming weird stuff which somehow make me feel threatened or scared. This has been happening quite often recently but I usually just go back to sleep and forget all about it. Two nightmares which I've had in the past few days were very strange indeed.

The first one involved pencils. I dreamt about going for a biology practical at University in which we had to draw some animals. When I opened my pocket I found out that I had forgot to sharpen my pencils. I tried to sharpen them with a sharpener that turned out to be damaged. My pencils' tip ended up breaking all the time and I got really stressed out about this, to such a point that it was a nightmare. Yes, these are the nightmares I have. 

The second one was a bit more weirder and disgusting. I remember that I thought I had been sneezing because of dust in my room. Then I looked at my book very closely and on it I see a little critter with very small little things running around it. At closer inspection I realize that the object is a pseudoscorpion (basically a scorpion without a tail) and the smaller companions being his babies. I also felt my throat soar and then I looked at the bed on which I also found this arachnids lurking about my sheets. Then it struck me that the sore throat was a consequence of pseudoscorpions living within my windpipe. I figured out that they had been growing inside me and they were building a colony and I was worried I'd develop an infection of some sort. Figure that out for me please.

Anyhow, I'm sure that these conjured nightmares of pencils and scorpions are nothing more than the result of a tired mind. I feel that it is the least my brain can throw at me and then saying, 'Hey, you need to calm down with all this crap you're trying to make me suck up!'.

I agree but I'm sure I'll be having nightmares for years to come. 

Music is Magic

Today I woke up early and before I left to University I decided to open my desk's drawer. There I found my mobile headphones which I hadn't used for quite a while and I took them with me. On my way to campus the roads were barren. I turned on the car's radio and the sound engulfed me. I could only hear the engine revving and the music in my ears. It was a moment of bliss. 

When I arrived at the semi-deserted University I put on my headphones and turned on the same radio channel. I sat on a bench staring at thin air listening to the sound in my ears. I hadn't had a moment for myself like this in a while. A couple of people that were sitting around me occasionally looked at me and I looked back at them with a smile. For a few minutes they were only a figment of my perception. My brain was totally focused on the melody beating through my ears and all I could sense was the sound and the cold breeze of the morning touching my face. 

The sunlight shone over the buildings to my North across the valley floor. I looked at them and shook my head ever so slightly to the magic surrounding me. I had become one and whole with music, which at that moment was the only thing that really mattered. 

A Kindling Soul

I create a world from the remnants of my soul. From sadness I build self-comfort. From pain, reassurance.

I slipped away into a dark alley in which I found the peace I craved for. There I found myself. 

How could I be so blind? How could I not hear him crying and weeping? I made the people around me the core of my existence, and I got lost. The essence of my being eroded into this physical realm.

In the darkness I see a child playing with toys. He is smiling, his eyes ablaze with wonder, his soul emanating purity. I touch his shoulders and it all implodes. The walls cave in and the darkness consumes us both. 

And there I sit looking down at the floor, eyes closed. On my side a green seedling pushes through the black soil. I turn my head to look at it and it all comes back to me. 

Set on fire, a spirit of all that is and all that was burns across the plane of this realm. I watch as it feeds upon the darkness. It is warm and I'm comforted. 

The pain is gone, sadness devoured.

Long Ago and Far Away

Far away across the universe a rock tumbles in the void of space, racing towards Earth. 

It is the 27th of September. 

The early morning sun dawns across the lush green fields, the shadows of the trees and the chirping of the birds decorate the streets as I walk towards campus. I exchange smiles with friends and and we talk about the trivial problems of our lives;the upcoming scholastic year and the struggles which we would face in the next few months. Little did we know that these would be the least of our problems. 

I was asked a question once, "Do you believe in fate? Might we be living a pre-determined life?". I have always gone against the notion of destiny, but there comes a time when certain events and particular choices make you believe that everything happens for a reason. It's as if there is a superior force controlling us, a master-plan to guide us. What if I said no? Or what if I never met that person? Surely, my life would be different. 

Across the yard there is a shallow pool of water, the aftermath of yesterday's storm, and floating on it is a brown leaf. It slowly drifts with the wind in the light of the new day. The leaf once hanged from a branch that was part of a beautiful tree. This started off as a little seed in the soil and with time it grew into a majestic masterpiece of nature. The water that sustained it had been brought to our planet billions of years ago on space-rocks. Their sheer number created the oceans that harboured life, which eventually evolved into plants and lead to the creation of that little seed, that is now reflected in this dead leaf on the water's surface. Life is a cycle and so is human existence. 

I feel a tug on my shoulder and my daydream is broken. It is my friend and she looks worried. I realize that everyone around me has befallen to silence and they all stare at the skies. My friend looks at me and then lifts her head, and my eyes shift towards the direction to which she's looking. 

Up there in the blue satin of the sky is a blazing white rose of light that's tumbling towards Earth. 

Moods

Every now and then I feel lonely and sad. No matter who I talk to or whoever is around, I close myself in a bubble of solitude and beat myself to the core of my being, sucking the life within me to a dried shell of an existential pessimist. Memories rush through me like the the black clouds of rain on a summer evening and drench me with sorrow and grief to which there is no origin. My perspective on life changes and I look at it through a black lens of negative emotions. I feel as if there is no hope and no reason to be.

Then it dawns upon me that single thought of how lucky I am to be here, at this time. I remember about those families that have lost someone dear or about that mother whose child is missing. I contemplate in their pain my pitiful whining and give myself reason to stop such nonsense. I think about all those who have no home, no family. I regret my shameful negligence for being so dramatic when in reality I am so lucky to have all that which I have in my life.

I remind myself about the happy times, the tears of joy and laughter that far outweigh any hardship. And then I shut my eyes and fall asleep and I wake up the next day with a new outlook on life and with a smile. 

Moods are what keep us going, they keep us alive and ticking.

Of Blades, Darkness and the Sun.

The arrow shot from its strain with the power of a hundred bulls skimming through the air, chilling the atmosphere around it as it drove towards its target. 

Across the battlefield a young man dodged a curving blade as it slid over his head. His opponent was swift in his strikes, wielding a sword as long as his height with a dexterity only a master could possess. The young man looked at the woods on his sides. Darkness veered his thoughts into the forest, voices whispered in his mind. The sharp edge of the sword cut into his flesh and he yelled and stumbled. His side was profusely bleeding, his breath now heavy. The sword was swung again, and as he looked at the forest for the last time, the shadows of the woods beckoned and expanded through his vision.

In the darkness fear embodied itself into a spirit of malevolence. A nightmare crept in on the soldier, and grasped him from the neck. He felt chocking. A thousand blades of pain pierced through his brain crunching through the little shards of hope that were left lying around this universe. Battered down to the core the young man lost his grip on life and said a prayer for his last time.

A cold chill swept across his face and he opened his eyes. In front of him the swordsman stood still as if time had stopped, a sky-blue arrow embedded in his chest. His foe's body was engulfed in a prism of ice. The soldier looked up as if to thank the gods and through the clouded sky the sun's blaze cut its way and shone over him. The wound on his side closed off and with a renewed energy bestowed on him by a miracle he tucked at his back for his own weapon.

The silver claymore dwarfed the frozen swordsman as it was summoned from the soldier's back. The soldier pulled it up to the sky and he jumped.

''For Demacia!", he cried, and with a single blow he crushed his foe into chunks of ice that slowly melted in his shadow, cast by the sun standing at his shoulder.

The Chicken

Ok, so the story goes something like this; I got lost, in a park, in Portugal.

To shed light on some minor unimportant details, I was in Portugal for a youth exchange programme, living in a dormitory in a huge nature park with around fifty other individuals, sleeping on inflatable lilos, dying a little each night with the cold, and having the time of my life.

So we were given these humongous yellow gloves and yellow waste-bags and told to go out and clean the park from litter (we were not given any maps). I was placed in a team, and we started off our little adventure. Let's say it all started well and we were busy doing our thing, turning logs, collecting bottle taps and plastic bags. There wasn't much to collect, since I remind you, this was a huge park, and not many people were around, just the occasional jogger or a logger passed by. 

Anyway, after around a half an hour, I got this huge belly craving. Yes, I had to use the toilet, and I was around five kilometers away from this life-saving facility. So I ran back, as fast as I could, carrying a yellow bag full of litter. After around ten minutes of fast-paced walking I arrived and did my thing, and then it struck me. Now I had this dilemma; what to do now? 

Surely, my team-mates had moved on and I could not hear anyone or see anyone from where I stood. So I decided to track back from where I came from, and so I did. After another fifteen minutes of a now leisurely pace I arrived from where I had left, and lo and behold, there was no one! 

Giving not a care in the world, I opened another yellow bag and starting walking again, looking for little pieces of coloured materials that did not blend very well in their environment. I remember I walked by an abandoned football ground and tall spiky grass that looked as if it wanted to eat me. There was also this constant mashing sound of the gravel under my feet when I followed the four metre wide track. 

So I walked, and walked and walked, and still, there was silence. I came to a point where I thought I might be found dead, on a tree, at night, a week later, but I knew the park was closed and more or less in the shape of a circle, so I figured out that if I kept walking I would go around the circumference and find the dormitory again. Then I came across the periphery of the park, a huge metal fence by which the track continued uphill, and so I marched.

Around another five kilometres in the remarkable encounter happened. To my right I heard the woods rustling. I stopped. Could it be a bear or a wolf? - I thought. I tensed and waited, and it jumped out!

A chicken. 

Yes, a darn chicken! The beast looked at me and I stared back at it. A clash of wits ensued and we stood there for eternity (around ten minutes). It clucked, and I growled, and I won the battle. The chicken turned its back at me and started walking away to the North where I was headed, for it could not get back into the woods on the right or escape through the fence on the left, and I followed it. We walked quite a lot together, this fellow chicken and me.

On the way I saw a huge yellow mushroom growing on a dead tree, and the chicken waited anxiously to see what I was doing looking at that fungus as if trying to guess whether I wanted to trip on it or something. Walking forward, I met this man with a chainsaw wearing a mask (face-protector) cutting grass on the other side of the fence. For a minute or two he stopped mowing and looked at me (and more specifically at the chicken) and then carried on his work. I bet he was quite baffled by the scene.

Anyway, the story ends when on my way North on the horizon I saw a person. It was someone I recognized - a Portuguese - and one of the participants. So as we encroached towards each other, the chicken in the middle, always a couple of metres away from me came a point of suspense. The chicken was now caged between a fence, the woods, and two people. What the cluck should I do? - thought the chicken.

The response was the craziest thing I've ever seen. As the distance between the beast and her enemies became too small for tolerance, the chicken screamed like, well, a chicken would, fluttered its wings, as if it had a fit, and flew away into the woods (yes, it seems chicken can fly).

In the end, I found my way back to camp, following this weird Portugese guy, feeling insecure all the thirty or so minutes of walk back.

But at least I met a chicken.

The Girl in the Dark

Her silhouette left a black stain on the sparkling velvet of the night sky. She kneeled forward, reaching gracefully for a dead leaf floating between stars mirrored on the lake’s surface. As spirits of the dark whistled through the forest, the water rippled in response. The leaf veered sideways as she reached for it, and was swept away further into the lake, and into darkness.  Not even the light given off by the lantern she held could penetrate the realm of the night’s shadow.

 Even the moon was scared to exhibit its beauty tonight. It winked from between the army of fireflies dangling from the sky. The stars were her only comfort. They were both a guide and a friend. She knew them very well, and gave them names. There was the Red Giant and the Yellow Snake, and the brightest star, she called The Owl. Then there was the one that never moved. She named it The Sentinel, and the three stars that looked like brothers sitting beside each other on a wooden bench, the Three Imps. Giving names to the stars made her feel at ease at night, so that she could call out to them, and ask for forgiveness and help when the spirits of the dark murmured from the forest beyond the lake.

For in darkness lurked beasts and hungry ghosts of forgotten kinsman. In the lake, she knew, lived the ant-fish, with jaws so large, they cut down trees to build their nests in caves below. And further in, where the realm of the night’s shadow shaped itself into a forest of black wood and heavy mist, slept the seven hounds of Cérese, the maiden of the realm.

 And so it was, that tonight, Ophelia, the girl that lived in the white house on the hill beside the lake, ventured out to watch the brown leaves of Spring as they danced silently down to their sleep onto the waterbed. With a small copper lantern and a small brave heart, as the dead leaf disappeared from her view, she dipped her finger to touch the Yellow Snake, and for the first time in her life, felt the softness of the water of the lake as it wrapped around her finger, like a warm serpent coiling itself around her, inviting her to explore. 

To Become a Man

The change that has occurred within me in the past few years has been life-changing. I am very much not the same person I was three or four years ago and I'm still changing. Recently I have been thinking about the man I want to be, about the traits I want to have and how I want to look to other people. I found myself wondering about my character and how this is translated into the world outside my personal sphere of thoughts and how I manage to express myself. I do believe that I don't express myself very clearly, and I find myself being thought as differently than what I really am by others. 

I want to start reading more and expand my knowledge of the world and of different cultures. I don't read too much, and this is not a good way of building a character with a holistic approach towards society. I also intend to buy good music I like more often, so as to support artists in their work and have an ever changing archive of what I consider as memories or emotions translated into sounds. 

Being respectful, trustworthy and never lying are three other pillars on which I build my character. To keep self-confident but never bolster, believe in your ideas but never be blind to new possibilities and to listen to people and understand what they are saying when spoken to, are also very important. To be yourself and never try to impress, but rather act out and say what you think in a respectful manner that does not harm anyone but rather makes them think and to ask and question more than to accept what is given to you and learn from mistakes. These ideas are what define me and what I strive to keep in my life. 

And finally, to appreciate life and never lose awe in the smallest of things. To recognize beauty and enjoy a laugh, and to smile in hard times. These are the traits that I want to build my character on and to become a humble person, a man.

Love Like a Sunset

"Day comes
Visible horizon
Right where it starts it ends
Oh and then we start the end

Day comes
A visible illusion
Oh where it starts it ends

Love like a sunset"

Phoenix

Man and Religion

There are too many people praising gods in this world, and very few appreciating their place in the universe. We should not look for god's existence but live the life that is given to us, for what is more beautiful to understand your place in this world without having to fight the fear of hell or the challenges to reach heaven?

If man lives by his virtues, bestowed upon him by morality, evolution and cultural and social development, and avoid any religious shackles, he would be truly free to live a good life, in which truth and compassion prosper. There would be no more excuses to fight in the name of gods or to create castes based on the idea that we are born according to a holy plan. There would be less poverty, for religion is not the tool to solving this problem. It is not religion that helps a dying man, but a loving heart, and these are found in every race or ethnicity. You do not need to be recognised as a saint to give all you have to those in need, for compassion is an emotion nurtured by family and not by religion. 

Religion is based on ancient ideologies, most of which break down in our modern society. They tend to help people aggregate in groups with the belief of a powerful ruler looking upon them. This helped quite a few tribes in the past to rebel against their tyrants, but what relevance does it have today? Politics is very similar to religion, for it is the art of influencing people. A society does not require religion to be controlled, nor does it require religion to give people a common goal. 

Education is an important factor in spreading religious ideology or eradicating it. Science is the step towards becoming more keen to learn about our surroundings and our place in it. When children learn, at a young age, to wonder and ask questions about what they see and cannot explain, they will grow to realise that religion has no sense in their life. The the beauty in their lives far outweighs the need for believing in a deity, because for them, the important fact is to be able to appreciate the beauty around them, and not waste time wondering about what could have created it. 

This is not to say that spirituality is not important. It must be made clear that spirituality and religion are two separate philosophies. I believe that spirituality exists because of the way we are built. The universe is chaotic, but life is order. Whenever we see order, we tend to associate it with life and benign feelings. To learn that our Earth is so tiny, and how life emerged on our planet and how distant we are from anything else out there, gives us a sense of unity and of purpose. We strive to maintain our species without destroying our planet, for there is no god to help us do save it and prevent us from becoming extinct. 

We are fragile little aggregates of ordered molecules created from a soup of chaos, living on a speck of dust in the vastness of everything that is. It would be a pity to waste our time to live without knowing this fact and without fighting to learn more about the beauty of everything around us.